Uncomfortable Comfort

(The photo above is in Yosemite with my sister Leisha, we were on a yoga retreat with her company, Yoga Trekking International. Heights are not my thing so standing on the ledge of a 25 foot (plus) drop performing a balancing pose was definitely uncomfortable. Leisha joined me thus helping my fear lessen and allowing for a fun photo op!)

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position." (Romans 12: 15-16)

I have gotten myself into many situations in which I want to go running in the opposite direction. Just the other day I took a yoga class. With blind faith in my cousin, I walked into an unknown yoga studio, paid my money and walked into the room. The room was HOT, I mean even for me, which is saying a lot. I kept my eye on the door thinking that if it were opened, I was safe, I could bust out of there if I started to panic. Once class began, the instructor shut the door [insert scary music]. I immediately screamed in my head and felt trapped! (I guess I should mention here that I suffer from panic disorder, so basically I live with an irrational fear of having a panic attack). Rather than humiliate myself and my cousins by checking out, I decided to utilize some coping mechanisms... belly breathing, praying, reminiscing of my time in Costa Rica when I humorously have never been so hot, but had not a care in the world and convincing myself of the reality at hand. After just a moment the fear began to subside and I began enjoying the heat on my skin and the space that was set aside for stretching and relaxation. A class I thought was going to be a difficult workout in which I could barely breathe ended up being an hour of stretching, relaxing, and meditating. We all laughed about it later and it has been stored as a positive memory now.

We all have different definitions of an uncomfortable situation. To you, that story may not sound like such a horror as it was to me, but the point is that an uncomfortable moment gave me a small victory over my panic which will lead to increased comfort in my next time of need. Scripture calls us to meet people where they are, "rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15). It can be very easy to celebrate with someone, but uncomfortable feelings tend to rise in many of us when we are called to mourn with those who mourn.

Americans are very uncomfortable with death, it is a topic that is avoided like the plague. People shift in their seat if you bring up a deceased loved one and may even go so far as to change the subject. It is our society that has built this perception around grief, but our God tells us to challenge the status quo and join people in their mourning.

As unfortunate as it may be, I am an active participant in grieving the loss of a dear loved one. From my personal experiences I learned that people want to be there, but after a time they naturally move on while I am still grasping for air. All I wanted after Harrison passed away and after Gene passed away was for someone to show they care. To take time out of their lives and spend it with me as Harrison and Gene did in their lives. It was most likely uncomfortable for people to do that because they didn't know what to say to someone whose world was shattered, who lost someone they loved dearly.

This is no fault of our own, many of us are not given an instruction book on how to talk to someone, a close friend, in grief. At 32 years old, this is not something that many people in my life have faced. It reminds them of their own mortality, ignites fear in them, and causes them to turn away. I have been of the same mindset in the past. It is precisely when this uncomfortable feeling arises that you must fight it because it is not from God, it is from the enemy. God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7) and He calls us to meet people where they are. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). Satan wants to destroy people in grief, cause them to lose hope and be angry at God and a great way to do that is to isolate them from their community. This is why we must fight, fight for each other, fight for His kingdom. So how can we do that? Where do we even begin?

1. Just Listen
2. Be there after the dust has settled
3. Persist, even when it is uncomfortable

Just listen (Proverbs 1:5, Proverbs 18:13)

After Harrison passed away, I could not talk about his whereabouts. I knew he was in Heaven, but I couldn't bear the thought that he was in another dimension never to have face to face interactions with him again (to be perfectly honest I still can't, but I do have comfort knowing he is there and that I will one day see him again). What I could talk about was his character, sweet memories of spending time with him, the sound of his laughter, the look on his face at certain moments, advice he had given me or stories of his childhood. People would remind me of where he was or tell me of a future to look forward to. The only thing that did was hurt. There is literally nothing that would take the pain away, nothing.

If you are around someone grieving the loss of a loved one (whether it be fresh or an old wound I cannot imagine it gets easier) just listen, you don't have to say anything, don't try to fix it because nothing will, just listen. If they like talking about them, ask questions about them. Talk about their life with the person. Allow the legacy of the loved one to continue on. Don't ask them to close that chapter, because they live on in our hearts and in our memories and nothing will ever take that away. Embrace it.

Be there after the dust has settled 

In the days following Harrison's passing, I was surrounded by people and promises of continued support. In reality, after the memorial service, nearly 2 weeks afterward, people started to drop off, to not fulfill the promise of being there for me, to not reach out. It wasn't personal, I knew that deep down, it was just that their world didn't stop in its tracks, it wasn't shattered into a billion pieces that would never be put back together in the same way. 

If it was possible to stop time, that is what it felt like. The days continued on and on. The nights were sleepless. My body was in physical pain and I had absolutely no desire to eat the wonderful food generously given to us. Nowhere was a safe space. Everything felt wrong, off. Other people, though I may have crossed their mind, they had life to do, they still had people to take care of, jobs to go to, fun to be had. I lost the person that I was doing life with that I got to take care of and who also did the same for me. 

After the memorial service, the things I could do to continue to serve him dissipated. Reality started setting in. But it was at this time that people had closed that chapter in their book. They did their part, let me know they were there, showed up, sent cards, sent flowers, offered to be there at the drop of a hat. Although I appreciate this more than words can express, we all know that when we have turned the page, we keep reading onto the next chapter that has more conflict, more drama,  and more excitement thus we forget about the previous chapter. It is a distant memory. But to me, I was reliving that chapter. I was stuck on one paragraph that I had to keep reading over and over again before it sank in. To me, Harrison's death was fresh and just as hurtful as it was when I was surrounded by people. Only now I was alone.

I don't know the solution to this. It is not just me who experiences this. We hear about this every time something catastrophic happens, yet we do very little about it. When Houston was hit by Hurricane Harvey people rushed to their aide in the days following the destruction, but how about now? Individual lives are affected, thousands of homes remain flood-soaked, but many of us have moved on. Not many people can truly understand the gravity of this situation because fortunately stuff like this doesn't happen all the time to everyone in your friend group. 

Persist, even when it is uncomfortable

I must say that there have been some great friendships that have flourished from this experience. I have so much gratitude for those who have stuck around and kept reaching out despite my negative, morbid attitude and my desire to isolate. I wanted nothing more than to stay in my apartment and watch Netflix all day and sleep the days away until God finally called me home. There was no way I was going to accept an invitation to go into public or join people somewhere. I also believed nobody wanted to hang around someone in such a depressed state of mind so I would rarely reach out. It wasn't that I didn't want to see people, it was that I needed people to reach out to me.

I am so grateful for Harrison's family, they took me in and treated me as one of their own. I lived 2000 miles from family and needed them more than ever, and his family took me in as family. I honestly do not know that I would have survived this had it not been for them.

I know that people have stuck by my side and have listened to me talk about things they never want to hear from someone they love. They are probably screaming in their mind and looking for the door as I did in that yoga class. But once they got passed the uncomfortable feelings, our friendship has found a deeper meaning and we can be even more real with each other. We have found comfort through many uncomfortable moments.

Final thoughts

Our culture becomes anxious when faced with death. The death of someone does not mean the death of their memories or the impact they had on this earth. Allow people to talk about someone they love, even if it was tragic and unnatural. Break the mold, go against what society deems appropriate, because I can tell you from personal experience that it hurts when others choose an earthly response over the response God calls us to, "mourn with those who mourn."

I challenge you today, you may be someone who turned the other way because avoiding death is the only way you can face it, or maybe you want to be there for someone but you don't know how, or maybe you are a friend who has stuck by the side of your friend even in the most uncomfortable of moments. Whoever you are I challenge you to consider this (a) reach out to someone who lost someone they love, (b) allow them to talk about the person they loved and lost (or ask them if they'd like to if the situation deems appropriate),  or (c) make dinner for someone who lost someone when they are ready to eat again (the desire to eat comes back, but it takes a while for the desire to cook to come back), even join them in that dinner! 

We go through trials so we can comfort one another (2 Corinthians 1:4). You may not have experienced the same thing as your friend, but you know sadness and you know trials. Don't try to pretend like you know what they are going through if you don't, just remember your trials and what you desired most when you were in the thick of it. Reach for the response that makes you uncomfortable, because in that, you will find comfort and so will others.