Everything is Meaningless

The worst happened. I lost someone I love dearly. My boyfriend, Harrison, passed away in a motorcycle accident. It has been nearly five weeks yet my heart hurts like it happened yesterday. (update: I wrote this awhile back, but have not been able to complete it, it has nearly been 20 weeks and my heart still aches and my mind replays our memories and that day as it was yesterday). That day is etched in my head and I cannot let it go. It feels like I just saw him yesterday and I am waiting for him to come home to me. I imagine the big, beautiful smile that would be on his face and the giant bear hug that would follow if he were to come home. Sometimes I find myself looking at the clock and thinking, we would be doing this right now or that. As I scroll through Facebook or experience something I just think to myself, "Harrison would get a kick out of that" or "Harrison, can you believe this?"  My life changed dramatically in the blink of an eye. I went from having "my person" to having nobody. I went from loving someone with all my heart and having that reciprocated to me to emptiness and loneliness. I have a Harrison sized hole in my heart right now and the only one who can heal it is God. What I struggle with is HOW? I want God to fill my heart with joy, with gratitude, with contentment, but all I can find is anger and sadness. My perspective on life has shifted, all the little things that used to get to me have no place. As Harrison would say, I'm DGAF about life right now and I am. There are few things in life right now that matter to me and those things are finding my way back to God's loving arms and time with my friends and family.

The only thing in the Bible I could read after Harrison's death was Ecclesiastes. Some might say it is hopeless to turn to that, but that is how I feel if I am being honest. On the contrary though, I found hope in reading this book. I was able to relate. The wisest man ever to live, Solomon, wrote Ecclesiastes and the overarching concept is that "everything is meaningless". Everything in this human world that is governed by our flesh, our sin, and our enemy is meaningless. No matter what we do for a living, how much money we make, how many treasures we store up in this life, none of that comes with us to Heaven (Matthew 6:19). Fortunately, the family members will join us one day in Heaven assuming all have accepted Christ, yet most of the time we are separated by death and must be reunited later. The pain comes from that waiting period for the people who are left behind on Earth.

Day in and day out we do the same thing, most people have routines set in place, this has been going on for millennia. Solomon says that "a person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without Him, who can eat or find enjoyment?" (Ecclesiastes 2:24-25). He says to enjoy the time we have here, but without God, there is no true enjoyment. God created a beautiful planet, He gave people talents, He made us people who thrive in community, He gave us all unique gifts and we should enjoy those because our time here is but a dash on a piece of paper in the end. What we do with that dash is what could make our time here worthwhile and have meaning to even just one person. So yes, everything is meaningless, but what we do with the time we have is what will give our life meaning and those around us. Harrison lived far too little time here; however, he lived large. He loved deeper than anyone I have ever known. He had a zest for life and a way of looking at things that made me appreciate things more. His life had so much meaning to me and to many others (hundreds of people showed up at his funeral and it wasn't even advertised). He made the most important decision anyone could make, to accept Christ. I could not be happier that he did that because that means that I can grieve in hope (even though I'm not there yet) knowing that I WILL see him again and any other believers that preceded me into Heaven (1 Corinthians 15:42-44, 57, 2 Corinthians 5:1, John 3:16) .

Everything in this world is meaningless, we need to keep our gaze toward the Heavenly prize God has laid out for us (Philippians 3:13-14). We need to make that decision to believe Him and move forward in trust and obedience even though we may feel like all is lost (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). Having a DGAF attitude toward this life has helped me let go of this earth and want God and the home He has laid out for me more (2 Corinthians 5:8). I hope to hold on to this reality that God's place is far better than the place we know, Earth. One day, we'll be reunited with those we love, yet have lost, but until then remember everything on this earth is meaningless, we only need to seek His Kingdom first (Matthew 6:33).